“But I don’t have time for self care….”
We were discussing some suggestions for a client wanting to work on her anxiety and she responded with frustration and what sounded like defeat to my comment that she needs to work on self care.
I don’t think her feelings are unique. I see women on social media talking about how they don’t have the time or resources to practice self care and they end up feeling shame and criticized for something they have no control over. I also see women posting photos at a spa or restauarant with the hastag #selfcare added to the pictures. All of which leads me to believe many have misunderstood self care for “treat yoself” and perhaps breaking it down into the basics would allow more women to begin to practice it. Maybe that’s you, or maybe you have friends, daughters, sisters or moms who could benefit from redefining this buzzword.
Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself” which clearly indicates he means for us to be loving to ourselves and others. In Galatians, Paul writes that each person is to “carry their own load” referring to the daily responsibilities of life- our time, money, choices, attitudes, work and relationships. It is our job to live in such a way that we mange these areas and essentially live in balance- not burnt out and over stressed, not over indulged and entitled. Self care, is actually the way we do this!
A simple definition is self care is taking care of your basic needs and once those are met, your secondary needs.
Think of it this way- If you were given a typical four year old child to care for, what would you make most important and what would you include secondarily if those first priorities were met? When you think about a young child you think about: feeding them with adequate nutrition, giving any necessary medications consistently, making sure they have enough sleep, clothing them, providing time to play and time to rest, lots of love and encouragement as well as boundaries to keep them developing intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Some boundaries would be limits on screen time and certain content that was too intense or inappropriate would be eliminated. Other boundaries might be related to basic chores, getting up or going to bed at certain times and attending certain functions like school or church and safety issues.
If there were time and resources left, secondary needs might be enrichment activities like sports and dance, fun things like treats, toys and trips and extra non necessary clothing and specialty food.
None of the secondary needs are bad at all. In fact most parents try to give their children many of those along with the primary needs. But, what if there were big gaps in the most important needs yet all the secondary needs were met? Would the child function well if they had inadequate sleep, insufficient food, no time limits on screens or were never with people who could show love? Would trips to the mall or Chik-Fil-A or art lessons compensate for the gaps? Of course not!
This is where the self care buzzword has become confusing. Often I see women who do not go to bed on time, forget to eat or take their prescribed medications, not spend regular time with loving relationships but spend hours mindlessly scrolling Instagram etc who keep trying to solve these primary needs by getting a pedicure or going on a date night or take a trip. It might make them feel better short term but they are not addressing the basic needs of caring for themselves so they stay imbalanced- prone to irritability, lashing out or melting down and sickness. Which sounds a lot like what happens to 4 year olds when their basic needs aren’t met doesn’t it? It turns out you don’t outgrow the need for care- it just transfers from a parent to you!
Anyone can begin to practice self care whether you have extra spending money and time or finances are very tight and time is limited. It is a matter of reassigning value to caring for your basic needs. Do a quick assessment: am I caring for myself in my most important needs: food, sleep, movement, time with loving connections, including God, rest and limits? If not pick one area and begin to prioritize it. What won’t work? Extra Amazon shopping, spa days and a new hair cut.
If self care has seemed elusive and not achievable, I hope you feel encouraged to get back to the basics! Treat yourself to the fun stuff occasionally but don’t expect that to make up for not meeting your basic needs. Remember you are valuable to God and he wants you to care for yourself so you have the energy and health to overflow love and service into the lives of others. But also, he wants you to care for yourself simply because you matter to him and he loves you.