Life is Weird

Original Published Date : July 4, 2018

If there has ever been a photo that captures accurately how it feels to be a technology challenged, fledgling writer while also trying to use my talents for God’s glory and to bless others- this is it. I saw this picture a few years ago and immediately thought “I feel you little penguin.” I died laughing. The expression on this woman’s face as she looks at little penguin on the steps is exactly how it feels like people look at me when I try to explain how and why my blog has been inaccessible for 4 months due to some technical glitch I cannot navigate. Also, a little backstory, I once told my children that I felt like a penguin was a sort of a mammal and well, all hysteria broke loose as OBVIOUSLY MOM, a penguin is a BIRD. But for real.  Don’t they kind of seem like mammals with the mating for life and Morgan Freeman voice overs in their big movie a few years back??

So, in a miraculous turn of events the blog is back in working action and this little counselor who sometimes feels like a writer and other times feels like a mammal penguin in a world where everyone knows she is a bird, is back to writing. In my hiatus I have been reading. A lot. I am half way through the Bible thanks to my read scripture app! (And shout out to thebibleproject.com videos for helping me finally GET so many things I was missing in the big picture of God’s story) I have also read a few fun fiction books and some stuff on the brain (because in my fantasy life as a non penguin I would have liked to have been a  neuro scientist because our brains are so AMAZING!) I also got to speak at the Women’s Retreat for my church on Functional Faith and that was just delightful and a joy.

Sometimes the weirdness of life is a reset and sometimes a shift in direction and other times it’s just weird. I have no idea why the ability to share my blog went MIA for most of this year, but I have gotten a lot of reading done and I feel energized about writing and sharing all the goodness and beauty and truth that the Lord has been revealing to me lately. And for those of you who have encouraged me to figure it out and get back to writing, thanks! Overlooking each other’s obvious limitations and seeing the potential and gifting instead- well that is a gift to offer a person and I am grateful to have received some of that this year.

The Big Picture- How Reading the Whole Bible in a Year Changed Me

Some people set goals in the New Year, that if I’m honest seems impossible, too ambitious and over the top. I’m not that girl. I am a progress over perfection person. I value relationship over task. conversation over reading. So imagine my surprise when the Lord laid it on my heart at the end of 2017 to read the entire bible in 2018. I would have resisted, but I knew it was from Him. I had total conviction that He wanted me to do it- and frankly, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I had never read the entire bible. I’ve read lots of it, but not all of it- and certainly not in a year! It turns out, as many people shared with me last year- I am not alone! Apparently lots of us Christians read the same parts of the bible over and over, and avoid entirely parts that are confusing or seem irrelevant. I’m looking at you Leviticus. As I went through the year long journey from Genesis to Revelation and ended on December 30, I was so encouraged by how the Lord taught me through the process. And I assure you, if somehow you could time lapse the internal part of my spirit that was effected by the process- it would encourage you as well! If on the other hand you had a secret camera watching the external process of daily (mostly!) reading, you would be entirely underwhelmed. It does not make me look impressive in the least- as there were many days I was “not into it” and felt like it was a chore to get through. What the process did inside me was slow- and as most lasting changes are- indiscernable day by day. Yet, as I reflect on my year, it is impossible to deny it- reading the entire bible last year impacted me and changed my perspective permanently. Here is what I now know:

Daily bible reading is generally anti climactic. In a world full of Instagram’d moments, we often believe time spent in God’s word should feel monumental and emotional and inspirational. Do you know what it felt like 75% of the time I read? Nothing. It felt like nothing. It was something I did and moved on with my day. I learned an extremely important lesson though- daily time in God’s word is much more like taking a multi vitamin that eating your favorite meal or taking medicine when you get sick. When you take your mutli vitamin in the morning, you presumably do not expect a tasty or fulfilling experience. You just swallow it, believing it is making you stronger in ways you cannot feel. How often have I gone to God’s word expecting an experience only to be disappointed and less likely to read the following day? It’s not that we don’t have those moments- there were times last year where a passage hit me deeply. It was the exact encouragement or clarity I needed that day. But many days it was simply ingested, believing it was changing me from the inside out. Think of it this way: if you only took vitamins when you were sick, how effective would they be? Sure, take them when you are sick, but mainly take them every day to make you stronger so you don’t get sick as often! I think many times we go to the Bible when we feel we need it based on a sin or a trial in our lives, hoping for something to make us feel better quickly. I no longer think reading the bible will create a specific feeling in that moment- sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t- but I know it is making me stronger by renewing my mind with truth (Romans 12:2) and revealing my heart and confronting sin (Hebrews 4:12) and keeping me from being blown around when trials come but rather being grounded in truth (Psalm 1:1-3). Knowing this keeps me coming back to it over and over.

The Bible is not really about me. After reading the whole bible, I realized it actually is a story. And like all great stories it sucks you into characters and plot lines and literary devices. It rises and falls with victory and defeat, great love and great loss. But one thing is abundantly clear- the whole thing revolves around one character and one theme: A good, faithful God who lovingly, relentlessly and patiently pursues people. Including me. This bible is God’s story. It reveals who He is, what He does and why He does it. And as I read all the stories of what God has been doing in the world he created for millennia before me, it made me feel small- in a good way. I am truly part of a much, much larger and grander story than just my own. Like one little thread in a tapestry of beauty and grace, my life has been woven into this giant narrative of God pursuing relationship with people. My life matters deeply to God yet it is all part of something bigger. Seeing all the people who have lived and died before me helps me keep an eternal perspective. This life, thankfully, is not the end of the story and so i can endure suffering and stress and hardship knowing God will use it- weave it into the big story- and that one day it will all be finished. As Jonathon Edwards said “All the bad things will be undone and all the good things will not be lost and the best things are yet to come.”

Reading the Bible is both task and relationship. I started by saying I value relationship over task. As I read this year, I experienced how learning who God is through His word is a very relational thing. I see God differently now, know Him better. This makes perfect since as all relationships grow through communication and the Bible is God’s main way to communicate with me. Rather than seeing it as a task anymore, I understand it is a time to spend with God. And of course, the natural response is prayer- me sharing myself with Him, as He has shared Himself with me. A truly personal part of the year was the way God and I interacted in the mornings. I knew I needed to make a commitment- the bible wasn’t going to just download into my brain while I was sleeping! So I committed to God He would get the first 15 minutes of my day. I told you, watching me would not have been impressive! I know 15 minutes seems short, but it made the whole daily process feel manageable. But I also made a deal with God (is that theologically sound- I don’t know, God works with me as I’m wired is all I can tell you- take it up with Him!). I told Him, if He knew I needed more time with Him than 15 minutes, He could wake me up and I would spend the extra time with Him. And guess what? He did it. Not every day, but lots of times I would just wake up earlier than my alarm and know, God must have known I needed more of Him. It became a very sweet part of the year, wondering if I would wake up to my alarm and spend 15 minutes in the Word, or if the God of the universe was going to wake me up to spend more time together. Can I prove it was God doing that? Nope. But I don’t have to. I know it was. And it was just part of He and I building that personal relationship.

Many friends asked the resources I used last year- www.readscriptureapp.com and www.thebibleproject.com were my tools. I would love to hear how your bible reading has impacted your life or what great resources you are using to dig deeper. The bottom line is this: plant your heart and mind regularly in God’s Word. He is faithful to use that time to change you and heal you and grow you.

Make the Most of Time

There is an old, famous poem (and I’m sure most people know who wrote it, but alas I do not) that says “Gather ye rosebuds while ye may….” I don’t even know the rest of it- just that line. The significance of it hit me tonight. We came home from church and the boys went off with a friend to hang out instead of having dinner with us. “Doing their own thing” is a theme in my house right now. So it was just Emma, the husband and I around the table- and it hit me. I am at a crossroads in motherhood.Two nights ago after a particularly tough conversation with my 15 year old I was feeling down. And to be honest, somewhat sorry for myself. It’s hard work loving a teenage boy who is not in the mood to love you back, but rather to let you know just how much he thinks you should be different. Less or more of anything than who and what you are. Ouch. Then today my oldest walked in to announce how delicious his friend’s mother’s birthday cakes are. “Not that yours are bad, but hers are just so much better” (I’m paraphrasing but that was the jist) This is the same child who I overheard telling a friend that his birthday party is kind of a disappointment this year. Sigh.

They are pulling away. It’s time and it’s normal. And it hurts. I want them to grow up and become men. And I want them to always be close to me. But I have to let go of the one to allow the other. So as I’m feeling all this emotion I look up after dinner to see my nine year old twirling around the living room with her daddy, dancing and laughing. In a split second, my boys were nine and seven and we were around the table listening to music and cracking jokes at dinner every night. They were imitating daddy and vying to get our attention with jokes. I blink and they are annoyed, distant teenagers, struggling with all their might for independence and freedom. I realize with a sudden feeling of panic and a lump in my throat that hurts when I swallow that very, very soon my nine year old will be in the same place. Oh I know it’s a few years off- but considering that 17 years has felt like a slow blink, that hardly comforts.

This is me on a sad day. Not all days with teenagers are like this. Mainly I have loved my sons journey’s into these years. But today I feel the loss. How I want so badly to slow time down and let me make sure I poured enough love and faith into them. What if I didn’t? What if I missed something terribly important? How I worry that our relationship will never quite be as close as those early years when they could climb up in my lap for hugs. How I wish I could know what goes on in their heads and hearts, but understand the need for them to keep some feelings and thoughts private. And the need to share some with anyone but mom.

I have many rosebuds I can no longer gather. And I have some left to pick. I intend to make the most of the few short years I have left with my sons at home, and continue to treasure every second I’m given with my whole family under one roof.

And pray like crazy for the grace to hold them with an open palm.

The Darkness is Fading

Winter solstice passed 2 months ago, so the darkest night of the year has been giving way, ever so slowly to longer days. And while I love Winter Solstice because my husband proposed to me on that very day years ago, I am always counting the days till we Spring forward and get daylight back.

I’ve been thinking about how dark our world has been of late and I want to remind you, Jesus acknowledged this very fact. He knew what a dark world He left glory to enter.

 The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. -John 1:5

He chose to come to bring His light to lead us back to our Creator. And when he ascended back to heaven, He didn’t leave us in the darkness alone- He left His light in us, who are His children. He told us in fact, to “let our light shine before men” so that they too could find their way back to their Creator. It’s tempting when we face the blackness to huddle together and keep our light to ourselves.

But if we claim to follow Jesus, we must go where He went. He left the brightest best place, to come into our brokenness. He leaves us no option for retreat. This is a battle and if you call yourself a christian, you’ve enlisted in the ranks. We must bring our light out front and center- not to battle against people but for them. We are against hatred, hopelessness, poverty, injustice, ignorance, selfishness, greed, idolatry and apathy. We are for broken, messy, sinful, sad, confused people- people who were and very much are like us. We’ve simply been bought out of the prison we put ourselves in and it’s our job to bring the news to others. The same news the angels burst into the darkness to bring so many Christmas’s ago:

“Do not be afraid! We bring you good news of great joy! Unto us this day a Savior has been born- He is Christ the Lord!”

Mirroring God

There are so many areas of life a dad is responsible for. Providing for the financial needs of the family. Protecting from danger. Mowing the yard, taking out the trash, changing the hard to reach light bulbs and killing bugs. (obviously some areas are more glamorous than others) But there is no responsibility quite as heavy as being a child’s first picture of who God is.

When I think about my own dad, there are a several vivid memories that come to mind. We loved to watch the Cosby Show and Family Ties on Thursday nights together. Dad would always make popcorn, and put cheese salt on it. He would look around the kitchen and almost always, without fail ask, “Do we need some ice cream?” As if the four kids were going to answer anything but “YES!” Then he’d run up the road to the 7-Eleven and come back with Bryers Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream as well as a 2-liter of Coke. (Coming back from the store with more than he went for was also a dad tradition) Another memory I always recall is “Sunday Morning Round Up” (this is my name for the memory) Every Sunday morning was the mad dash to get 4 women ready for church. I had a brother, but I literally have no recollection of seeing him on Sunday mornings. Perhaps he escaped to the garage or something. Anyway, dad was always an early riser and ready well before we were. So he’d start walking around asking if we needed anything “pressed” as well as taking orders for size and color of pantyhose we needed. Do not ask me why we needed new pantyhose almost every Sunday, but dad would iron all the girls’ stuff and run to the store to purchase them because the ones we had were either the wrong color or had runs in them. (side note- I do NOT miss pantyhose!) The final and most poignant memory that comes to me often if I’m thinking about dad is him sitting in the early morning reading his bible. He was always up before me, and if I got up on time I’d see him. Dad knew God’s word. He used it regularly in conversation with me. (He would often quote the verse to me, “Where words are many, sin is not absent” from Proverbs, much to my annoyance at the time) Dad worked hard. A lot. I didn’t get to spend tons of time with him in my growing up years because he was the only working parent and put in long hours to provide for our family of six. I always knew that dad loved me though, because when he wasn’t working he was with us. I knew my mom was the love of his life, and I knew our family was what he worked so hard for.

Looking back, I see many ways my dad’s reflection of God was accurate. Oh sure, there were places he fell short. No one can perfectly mirror our Heavenly Father. But the lessons I learned about who God is from my father’s life were enough: I knew God was faithful, sacrificial and loving. I knew He cared about the details of my life. I knew He could be counted on and I knew his strength and wisdom was far beyond mine. I knew He delighted in giving good gifts. Good gifts like my daddy gave me. Good gifts like my dad himself.