Vulnerability- The Painful Catalyst For Healing

There are plenty of masks you can wear to hide. If you wear them long enough you will forget how to take them off. In fact they will feel so fused to your identity it becomes painful to peel them back and allow someone to see the real you.

Masks take different forms for different women. Some wear the mask of Perfection, always polished and smooth. Some wear the mask of Achievement, ever climbing from one rung to the next up the ladder. For others the mask is Humor or Hostility or Entertainer or Flirt. The nuances and variations are endless and one woman may wear several. After all, it takes a lot of coverage to hide deep wounds and fears. They have a tendency to seep out unless tucked away carefully under layers of protection.In the past month, I have conversed with so many women who are hurting and struggling but simply cannot bear to pry the mask back to let anyone see the places they are ashamed of, the broken fragile pieces of their lives. And so they sit with smiles hiding loneliness and laughter masking tears. If I thought ripping the mask off myself would free them of it, I might be tempted to try, but the truth is a mask is simply a choice to guard yourself from others knowing the real you. There is no way for anyone to make another drop their defenses. It began long ago in a garden with some fig leaves, and has been going on ever since.As I was ending a recent conversation with a young woman who was feeling very alone and ashamed, I reminded her the only way she would begin to heal was to be honest and stop avoiding her feelings. To allow me to ask her questions and to really answer them. “It’s hard,”she replied with tears she kept from spilling out by sheer will

.“It is not the healthy who need the doctor, but the sick.” said our Lord in the gospel of Matthew. He didn’t mean that any of us were healthy to begin with. Rather that only when we will acknowledge our sickness, and go ask for help-expose what is going on inside us-then we can find the healing we so desperately need.Do you know that Jesus understands this tendency to try to hide also, to avoid being vulnerable and exposed? In His great love for us, He was willing to become completely known by people who would reject, abuse, abandon and eventually murder Him-all to make us secure. He became weak so we could become strong. He was exposed so we could be covered. This is the gospel-God in His love, coming down to trade places with us. This is very good news, because only when we know that God sees us fully and loves us completely can we find the strength to begin to open our hearts to others. They may not perfectly love the real you, but God does.Do you know the safest people to take your mask off with? The ones who have already taken theirs off too. Look for people who are vulnerable and open about sin, feelings, past experiences and weakness. The ones who have already journeyed ahead through vulnerability into healing are the most equipped to gently sit with you as you begin the sentence, “I think I need some help…”

Women and Friendship

Very few subjects are trickier for women than developing friendships (except perhaps that pesky submission business). In my experience in ministering to women, many have explained how dating boys felt easier than becoming friends with their female peers. On many levels, women are complicated, are we not? I kind of love that about us. I mean, it does make us rather mysterious, but at the same time it can make opening your heart to another female problematic.

Do they really like me, or do they just need something? Can I trust them with my past, struggles, vulnerabilities? Are they going to gossip about me? They seem so together, and I’m afraid I will seem so awkward and ridiculous if I open up. I often feel pressured when I’m with this person but I don’t know why? I feel let down over and over by this woman, but everyone else seems to love her-what’s wrong with me?

Recently I’ve heard these statements, or ones like them from friends. All around me women are crying out for community, but can’t figure out how to find it. And of course, we’re not talking about “male community”-the kind where men get together, joke around non-stop, eat something unhealthy, talk about sports and work, laugh some more, give each other the chest-bump-one-armed hug and call it “relationship”. Because that just won’t cut it for us. While all that is fun and fine, and some men are actually building relationships that way, we want to walk away from coffee or lunch feeling we know something deeper than when we started. And most especially that someone knows us and still likes us. And we’re not talking about superficial, “see and be seen”, social climbing either. Because let’s face it-that’s not friendship, that’s nonsense. (Ain’t nobody got time for that!) No, we are talking about sisterhood. Beautiful, vulnerable, truthful, you’ve-got-my-back, cry together, laugh together, love Jesus together friendship. Possible?Absolutely! Difficult? Yep. So here are some pointers if you find yourself struggling against fears, and hurts and just lack of friendship skills to help get you moving in the right direction.

Make the goal of your friendship honoring God.What does that mean practically? That you really want your friendship to be free from sin (gossip, complaint, lies, people pleasing,competition) and full of God’s grace and truth. This would look like telling the truth about yourself. It would look like serving each other. It would look like holding in confidence your friend’s thoughts and feelings. It would be full of freedom to be who you are. However, if I am really your friend, and I see you eating rat poison, and I love you-then chances are good I’m going to ask you “what they heck are you doing???” right? It’s part of a God-honoring friendship to care about sin is our friends lives. But that does not give you license to confront them about your opinion. Big difference between the two.

Learn the difference between alligators and roses. Dee Brestin, in her book The Friendships of Women, presents this concept. A rose is worth having, even though sometimes you get pricked by the thorns. An alligator is always going to be dangerous, even though they smile sweetly. Some women are not healthy. They are in a place emotionally and spiritually that would be dangerous for you. You can certainly love them, but to try to develop deep friendship will surely end in a deep wound for you. Most women are roses.Beautiful, worth investing in-and yet, you’ll discover that in every person there are parts of them that may hurt you. A really big clue as to the difference: healthy women can take responsibility when they fail and make changes to their behavior. (If you find yourself running into a lot of alligators, you may need to do a little study. A really great book is Safe People, by Henry Cloud and James Townsend.)

Recognize that everyone wants to be loved and liked-just like you.It doesn’t matter how“together” someone appears, we all have insecurities. We all wonder if people will think we look foolish at times. We’ve all been hurt by sin and brokenness in this world. A big part of becoming closer friends is affirming your “like” and “love” of the person. Let them know you are excited to get to know them better. That you see good things in them. The things you would want to hear yourself.

A good friendship feels like a see-saw.There should be an ebb and flow in any relationship.You give a little, they take. They give a little, you take. If it feels like you are always on one end or the other, think about that. It may be that you are trying to be friends with someone who does not have the time to have a deep relationship with you. And that is not a rejection of you-simply a reality. Not everyone will like you or want to be a close friend. But some people will! The key is to not give up or get discouraged. If you initiate plans once or twice and the other person does not reciprocate, take a step back and invest in someone else for awhile. You can’t force a friendship.

Once a friendship is established, nurture it.Like any other relationship, you have to invest time, energy, thought and prayer into your friend. Prayer, in fact is a huge blessing in friendship,because in prayer God can open your eyes to needs your friend has, ways you can bless, but also when you need to step back and let the friendship breathe a little. Nurturing and smothering are not the same thing, and God can help you to see if you are becoming possessive, needy or controlling. (This would indicate a heart issue in yourself that should be addressed.)

For All the Brokenhearted Mama's as Mother's Day Approaches

Heartache comes in all kinds of packages. I have felt my fair share, and seen even more in the lives of friends and clients. Lately I am realizing heartache has a strange way of separating us and making us feel so very alone. So this is my letter to all the mama’s with broken hearts- You. Are. Not. Alone. You really aren’t. I know we feel like there are the “acceptable” heartaches and then there are others. So, please know I’m saying this to all of us. It’s okay to hurt for your kids. Even,

those with children who have drug and alcohol addictions, are in rehab or in jail…..

those with babies who have disease, disability, struggles to eat and sleep and play like healthy kids…..

those with children who have been molested, abused, abandoned…..

those with teenagers dark and brooding, depressed, angry and rebellious….

those whose children are struggling with their sexuality…..

those with teens who are having sex, have gotten pregnant, have had an abortion…..

those whose children are missing, runaways and taken….

those whose children are unwilling to speak, see or have any relationship with them….

those with kids on the spectrum who struggle so hard to fit in, act normal, make friends….

those whose children have rejected God, the church or their families….

Yes, you. All of you. Can I please tell you something? I know it hurts. It hurts when you see the facebook status’s of other mom’s beautiful, healthy, achieving, strong, popular, spiritual kids. It hurts when people ask “How’s Jimmy?” and you have to decide how to answer without lying but without telling the truth either. It’s so hard to sit in church and listen to sermons and realize, you’ve made mistakes you can’t undo. It’s hard to get phone calls from guidance counselors, youth pastors, coaches, teachers- all “just a little concerned” about your baby. It hurts till it feels like you can’t breathe.

And you want so much to fix it! Make it all better. To take away the pain or sickness or lie they believe or wound they endured. But, there is no quick fix for broken. And watching them hurt is breaking you too.

Let me tell you one other thing: God loves your baby, more than you do. As far as you would run to reach them, as high as you would reach for answers- He will go farther. There is no limit to His love, no length He will not go to for restoration. Those mountains you cannot move for your child- He can. He has already come for them, as He has come for you. It may seem impossible for things to change, to stop being so awful- but nothing is stronger than the love that defeated death.

So don’t you dare quit. Cry, scream, sleep, journal, vent, share- but don’t quit! Don’t quit hoping, praying, loving, guiding, talking with and pursuing your kids. And don’t believe the lie that you are alone in this! Every mama faces some kind of heartbreak at some point. Find your cheering section and ask them to hold a mama pep rally. Ask them to remind you that God is good, even when life is bad.

You are not alone.

Flinging Starfish- How to Face Problems Without Shutting Down

A story begins……There was once an old man who was taking a walk on the beach where he lived. As he walked in the mid day sunshine he noticed a little boy running frantically up and down the beach picking up starfish that had been beached by a high tide earlier, flinging them back into the cool water. The beach was covered with them and there was no way this one boy could get them all back into the water before the sun’s rays dried them up and killed them. Wanting to save the boy from wasting all his efforts, the old man stopped him saying, ” Son, you can’t possibly get all these starfish back into the ocean in time. You are using all your energy and it won’t even matter. Just accept that there is no way to save them and move on with your day.”

The young boy turned to the man, holding another starfish and never breaking his gaze flung it into the sea. Before he turned to continue his one man rescue operation, he replied, “It mattered to that one!”

I heard this story as a teenager and it has stuck with me ever since. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by so many problems in this world and not knowing how I could make any difference at all. But the truth of that simple  story resonated deep within me. I cannot do everything. But I can do something.

I am the mother of teenagers now. The world has not really gotten better. Oh sure, some things have improved over time. But the reality is brokenness just finds a new outlet. When we solve one problem another will take its place. If I’m not careful I can find myself wanting to stick my head in the sand and live as though my little corner of the world and my tribe are all that matters. Protect mine. Conserve my energy for problems I face, because after all, what difference can one mom from the suburbs really make in a dark and broken world?

And yet, Jesus calls me light. In fact, “a city on a hill” that is meant to bring hope into the darkness is what he says I am. Because my heart is the residence of his Holy Spirit, and he was the Light of the World, his light now shines out of me. If I’m willing.

I was walking out of the doctor’s office last week and a young woman was sitting with her two babies, presumably waiting for a ride. She looked young, and she looked tired. The kind of tired that does not just come from sleepless nights, but from stress and hard times. Her babies were dressed so sweetly and she clearly was attending to their needs. I watched with admiration, noticing she was not wearing a wedding ring, and thinking how hard being a young single mama is. I felt deeply moved by the scene and wondered if she had anyone encouraging her. Did anyone ooh and aah over her babies? Did anyone tell her she was doing a good job? Before I could really stop myself I just had to speak to her. I asked if I could take a peek at her little one in the carrier and made ridiculous baby talk with the girl in her arms.  I asked a little bit about them and then stood up and said, “your babies are beautiful. You are doing a great job.” I don’t know what kind of mama she is all the time, but in that moment I wanted her to know that I saw her taking care of her children and it was beautiful. I would tell you I don’t know if it mattered to her, but I could see in her eyes it did.

And another starfish found it’s way back to the water….

There are way too many times I just walk right by dying starfish on my way to my next meeting. I miss opportunities to be the light in someone’s darkness often. But that little exchange reminded me of something: I cannot do everything. But I can do something. And it matters. If I just focus on the people, and not on the magnitude of the problems, I can do something that matters. Loving others, being kind, offering help, sharing truth, giving food. They all matter. You don’t have to carry the weight of changing the world- Jesus did that for us. So now we are free to carry hope into the lives of the people who God puts in front of us. Every city, every town, every person is crying out to see real love displayed. You might look like a lunatic to the jaded and cynical among us, but to those whom you show love, you will look like Jesus.

Love (Is...)

Original Published Date: February 7, 2018

….all you need. Or so the song says.

But is it really? Because in this place of fragile hearts colliding with chaotic brokenness, sometimes it feels like we need a whole lot more than the love those songs are promising. We need more than sweet sentiment and romantic gestures and flowers. They fail us in the face of the realities our lives meet- Divorce, addiction, sin, abuse, poverty, injustice, failure, rejection. No box of chocolates or butterflies in the stomach can make these okay.

So maybe we need something else.

Something fierce and wild to protect and keep us safe from all the dangers, even the ones we create. Or something so steady and solid it could settle our worried souls from the roller coaster of unknowns and uncertainty. Or maybe we just need a glimpse of breath taking beauty to help lift our spirits out of the muddy mess we see all around us.

Or maybe we just need Someone.

Because when those hard and heavy things happen, we really need safety and steadfastness and beauty all together. And maybe they can’t be found the way we shop for the newest and coolest at Target. Maybe they are best discovered as parts of a whole. That there is One who is so completely sufficient He carries all those and more facets of this thing called Love within Himself. Maybe he cannot really describes himself outside of the context of Love because He is, in fact, Love.

He says “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

He proclaims “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”

He promises “I will fill you with an inexpressible and glorious joy”

He whispers “I laid down my life because I considered you worthy, when you didn’t even care I existed.”

His love is so strong it compelled him to leave actual paradise and join us in the chaos and broken and it is so strong it held him to a cross. To protect us from the pain and suffering we created with our sin, he took the pain and suffering on himself. He is the hero every story is echoing- the one whose sacrifice is so beautiful it changes us as we see it.

All you need is Love. Love is a three letter word.

God is Love.