I have always been averse to pain- quick to get out of the way from any activity I thought would lead to it. I was not much of a risk taker or thrill seeker as a result, and truly my motivation in being an obedient child was often avoiding a painful consequence such as a spanking or even a scolding. I avoided sports too- mostly because I, tragically, have no natural hand-eye coordination but also because I knew there was a good chance I would experience pain if I participated. Dodge ball was, as you can imagine, a childhood nightmare. It did not help that I was always the smallest person in the room- making the world loom large and scary while growing up. Give me some cute and fluffy stuffed Care Bears and a cozy room to play in and I was content- happily absorbed with my imagination and friends.
I don’t think I’m an anomaly in this urge to avoid pain, though perhaps was more fearful of it as a child than most. Still culture primes us all to seek comfort and pleasure while rejecting painful experiences as something unnecessary at best and as inherently harmful at worst. And of course, I am not referring to traumatic and destructive pain- that kind should be avoided if at all possible. I am talking about the kind of pain that comes from getting into the mess of life- the bruised knees from falling while learning to walk, the bruised ego from auditioning for a solo you don’t get, the bruised heart from loving people who sometimes don’t love you back. The hurts that come with growth, risks and adventure, as well as serving and loving others.
And along came motherhood. It created a true dilemma for this pain-avoidant soul. I remember nearing the end of my first pregnancy and a feeling of panic begin to quietly rise within me about the actual birth experience- how on earth would I survive something so clearly and horrifyingly painful?? After 36 hours of labor and an unplanned c-section, turns out, I would survive it just like everything else I have encountered in life since- by leaning into God’s presence and promises.
When we see Jesus in the garden before he faces his crucifixion- we watch him wrestle with fear of the pain he knew was coming. Physical pain from crucifixion was terrible. But he also understood pain from abandonment and rejection and humiliation was about to be heaped on top of the physical- and who would not want to let that specific cup pass by? Yet, he drew near to God’s presence to strengthen Him and he trusted God’s promises to sustain him. How can we lean into painful circumstances and say “Your will, not my will God”? When we lean toward God- first and often and hard.
It’s been 26 years since that first trepidation into pain, and I am still in awe of how God uses it to reshape and strengthen and grow me. So often when I feel the heartbreak of broken relationships, cancer, suffering and sin my urge is to run away. Find a place within myself to numb it or avoid it. Find a distraction to help me forget it. Find some pleasure to mask it. But over and over, as those attempts fail, God has taught me to lean into Him. He is with me in every single hard moment- comforting, equipping and providing. His word and his Spirit give me what I need as I cry out in lament. His promises give me hope. The number of times a promise from scripture has come to me when I felt I could not bear one more second of the pain I was feeling are more than I can recount. As I lean into Him, I am able to lean in to the painful moments and I come out stronger. Less afraid. Less overwhelmed.
Pain is a hard part of life. It is mostly the result of living in a broken world. And yet spending all our energy avoiding it and running from it does not produce change in us. It does not bring light and life. God has given us “everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3) including His presence and promises to face our pain. Lean in to Him. He is enough to get you through whatever moment you are facing, and it will bring you out changed in a way that gives life and beauty to the world.