“Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a nagging wife”, says Solomon in Proverbs 25:24.
It paints quite the picture of misery and desperation. I have not personally resided in anything smaller than an apartment. I stayed overnight in a tiny house once and that was fun but not someplace I would want to actually live. I cannot imagine how awful the relationship dynamic would have to be to desire living on the corner of a rooftop versus a whole house. Yet over and over the Bible tells us marriage conflict will ensue if a wife frequently nags her husband.
Nagging is a behavior that is, in general, parental in tone and function; picture a mom following a teenage boy around telling him to clean his room or study more. It implies the other person is not responsible enough, smart enough or mature enough to manage their own choices. It tends to disrespect the autonomy of the other as well- creating pressure for the person to comply with your wishes instead of making a request and allowing them to choose their response. Seen this way, it is obvious nagging would cause a husband to feel unhappy, angry and distant from a wife who consistently treated him this way.
But often the response from wives when confronted about nagging is:
I’m not nagging, I’m encouraging.
And to be sure, encouraging is a good way to love your husband. Yet just because you are smiling or saying positive things to your spouse does not mean you are truly encouraging them. Here are a few differences between “sweet nagging” and actual encouragement.
Encouragement is focused on building up your spouse in an area he has expressed he WANTS to pursue or grow in. If it’s an area only you want him to pursue, whatever positive things you say are still nagging. Things like: eating better, going out for a new job, exercising, calling his mother or spending time reading are all good things IF HE WANTS TO DO THEM. But if he does not, your encouragement will be experienced as nagging,
Encouragement is not demanding. When you encourage, you are pouring courage into another. You don’t need a specific response from them in return because it is motivated toward helping the person at a heart level, which may or may not lead to outward change quickly. It also does not dictate how the other person will use their newfound courage. Nagging, disguised as encouragement, often has a specific goal in mind- building the person up to get them to take a certain step or make a specific change. This is also called manipulation and is an intimacy killer.
Nagging does not know when to stop, encouragement can allow for silence. The worst part about nagging is it is not a one time conversation or request. It is constant. It builds dread into times alone for fear the issue at hand will be brought up- again. Any parent of a toddler knows being asked the same question over and over is exhausting. Because nagging is frequently driven by fear (fear of not being happy, fear of not having needs met, fear of what others think) it often becomes a compulsive behavior if not dealt with head on. It can be easy to allow fears to cause us to try to control others which is what this “sweet nagging” really is- a form of attempting to control.
A healthier response than nagging is sharing needs and making requests, knowing your husband has the choice to move toward you or not. Freedom must be part of marriage for there to be intimacy. In a loving marriage many times a spouse will be willing to honor a request or meet a need, but when they don’t or can’t, maturity says we must tolerate not getting our way and respect our spouse enough to let them make decisions without fear of “never hearing the end of it.” Only then can love grow and marriage thrive.