For All the Brokenhearted Mama's as Mother's Day Approaches

Heartache comes in all kinds of packages. I have felt my fair share, and seen even more in the lives of friends and clients. Lately I am realizing heartache has a strange way of separating us and making us feel so very alone. So this is my letter to all the mama’s with broken hearts- You. Are. Not. Alone. You really aren’t. I know we feel like there are the “acceptable” heartaches and then there are others. So, please know I’m saying this to all of us. It’s okay to hurt for your kids. Even,

those with children who have drug and alcohol addictions, are in rehab or in jail…..

those with babies who have disease, disability, struggles to eat and sleep and play like healthy kids…..

those with children who have been molested, abused, abandoned…..

those with teenagers dark and brooding, depressed, angry and rebellious….

those whose children are struggling with their sexuality…..

those with teens who are having sex, have gotten pregnant, have had an abortion…..

those whose children are missing, runaways and taken….

those whose children are unwilling to speak, see or have any relationship with them….

those with kids on the spectrum who struggle so hard to fit in, act normal, make friends….

those whose children have rejected God, the church or their families….

Yes, you. All of you. Can I please tell you something? I know it hurts. It hurts when you see the facebook status’s of other mom’s beautiful, healthy, achieving, strong, popular, spiritual kids. It hurts when people ask “How’s Jimmy?” and you have to decide how to answer without lying but without telling the truth either. It’s so hard to sit in church and listen to sermons and realize, you’ve made mistakes you can’t undo. It’s hard to get phone calls from guidance counselors, youth pastors, coaches, teachers- all “just a little concerned” about your baby. It hurts till it feels like you can’t breathe.

And you want so much to fix it! Make it all better. To take away the pain or sickness or lie they believe or wound they endured. But, there is no quick fix for broken. And watching them hurt is breaking you too.

Let me tell you one other thing: God loves your baby, more than you do. As far as you would run to reach them, as high as you would reach for answers- He will go farther. There is no limit to His love, no length He will not go to for restoration. Those mountains you cannot move for your child- He can. He has already come for them, as He has come for you. It may seem impossible for things to change, to stop being so awful- but nothing is stronger than the love that defeated death.

So don’t you dare quit. Cry, scream, sleep, journal, vent, share- but don’t quit! Don’t quit hoping, praying, loving, guiding, talking with and pursuing your kids. And don’t believe the lie that you are alone in this! Every mama faces some kind of heartbreak at some point. Find your cheering section and ask them to hold a mama pep rally. Ask them to remind you that God is good, even when life is bad.

You are not alone.

Flinging Starfish- How to Face Problems Without Shutting Down

A story begins……There was once an old man who was taking a walk on the beach where he lived. As he walked in the mid day sunshine he noticed a little boy running frantically up and down the beach picking up starfish that had been beached by a high tide earlier, flinging them back into the cool water. The beach was covered with them and there was no way this one boy could get them all back into the water before the sun’s rays dried them up and killed them. Wanting to save the boy from wasting all his efforts, the old man stopped him saying, ” Son, you can’t possibly get all these starfish back into the ocean in time. You are using all your energy and it won’t even matter. Just accept that there is no way to save them and move on with your day.”

The young boy turned to the man, holding another starfish and never breaking his gaze flung it into the sea. Before he turned to continue his one man rescue operation, he replied, “It mattered to that one!”

I heard this story as a teenager and it has stuck with me ever since. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by so many problems in this world and not knowing how I could make any difference at all. But the truth of that simple  story resonated deep within me. I cannot do everything. But I can do something.

I am the mother of teenagers now. The world has not really gotten better. Oh sure, some things have improved over time. But the reality is brokenness just finds a new outlet. When we solve one problem another will take its place. If I’m not careful I can find myself wanting to stick my head in the sand and live as though my little corner of the world and my tribe are all that matters. Protect mine. Conserve my energy for problems I face, because after all, what difference can one mom from the suburbs really make in a dark and broken world?

And yet, Jesus calls me light. In fact, “a city on a hill” that is meant to bring hope into the darkness is what he says I am. Because my heart is the residence of his Holy Spirit, and he was the Light of the World, his light now shines out of me. If I’m willing.

I was walking out of the doctor’s office last week and a young woman was sitting with her two babies, presumably waiting for a ride. She looked young, and she looked tired. The kind of tired that does not just come from sleepless nights, but from stress and hard times. Her babies were dressed so sweetly and she clearly was attending to their needs. I watched with admiration, noticing she was not wearing a wedding ring, and thinking how hard being a young single mama is. I felt deeply moved by the scene and wondered if she had anyone encouraging her. Did anyone ooh and aah over her babies? Did anyone tell her she was doing a good job? Before I could really stop myself I just had to speak to her. I asked if I could take a peek at her little one in the carrier and made ridiculous baby talk with the girl in her arms.  I asked a little bit about them and then stood up and said, “your babies are beautiful. You are doing a great job.” I don’t know what kind of mama she is all the time, but in that moment I wanted her to know that I saw her taking care of her children and it was beautiful. I would tell you I don’t know if it mattered to her, but I could see in her eyes it did.

And another starfish found it’s way back to the water….

There are way too many times I just walk right by dying starfish on my way to my next meeting. I miss opportunities to be the light in someone’s darkness often. But that little exchange reminded me of something: I cannot do everything. But I can do something. And it matters. If I just focus on the people, and not on the magnitude of the problems, I can do something that matters. Loving others, being kind, offering help, sharing truth, giving food. They all matter. You don’t have to carry the weight of changing the world- Jesus did that for us. So now we are free to carry hope into the lives of the people who God puts in front of us. Every city, every town, every person is crying out to see real love displayed. You might look like a lunatic to the jaded and cynical among us, but to those whom you show love, you will look like Jesus.

Love (Is...)

Original Published Date: February 7, 2018

….all you need. Or so the song says.

But is it really? Because in this place of fragile hearts colliding with chaotic brokenness, sometimes it feels like we need a whole lot more than the love those songs are promising. We need more than sweet sentiment and romantic gestures and flowers. They fail us in the face of the realities our lives meet- Divorce, addiction, sin, abuse, poverty, injustice, failure, rejection. No box of chocolates or butterflies in the stomach can make these okay.

So maybe we need something else.

Something fierce and wild to protect and keep us safe from all the dangers, even the ones we create. Or something so steady and solid it could settle our worried souls from the roller coaster of unknowns and uncertainty. Or maybe we just need a glimpse of breath taking beauty to help lift our spirits out of the muddy mess we see all around us.

Or maybe we just need Someone.

Because when those hard and heavy things happen, we really need safety and steadfastness and beauty all together. And maybe they can’t be found the way we shop for the newest and coolest at Target. Maybe they are best discovered as parts of a whole. That there is One who is so completely sufficient He carries all those and more facets of this thing called Love within Himself. Maybe he cannot really describes himself outside of the context of Love because He is, in fact, Love.

He says “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

He proclaims “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”

He promises “I will fill you with an inexpressible and glorious joy”

He whispers “I laid down my life because I considered you worthy, when you didn’t even care I existed.”

His love is so strong it compelled him to leave actual paradise and join us in the chaos and broken and it is so strong it held him to a cross. To protect us from the pain and suffering we created with our sin, he took the pain and suffering on himself. He is the hero every story is echoing- the one whose sacrifice is so beautiful it changes us as we see it.

All you need is Love. Love is a three letter word.

God is Love.

Love (is not...)

Original Published Date: February 10, 2018

Been thinking a lot about Love lately. Of course Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and there are chocolate hearts everywhere, and all that has me considering how confusing and inaccurate our picture of love has become.

Love is not an emotion. Love often carries many emotions with it- some pleasant, some not- but love is not a feeling we have. It is a decision to seek the best for another. It is at times gentle and soft, when that is best for the other. It is also direct and challenging, when that is best. Sometimes love offers a gift and other times it sets a boundary.

It does not fade- feelings fade. Commitments stick. You can choose to love when you don’t feel like loving because love is a decision. Decision can always trump desire. Desire is what we want, what we “feel like doing” and you know what? You may want to hold a grudge, shut them out, shut down, lash out, pout, judge or leave. But you can decide to love anyway. To stay, talk, pray, humble yourself, apologize, serve, forgive.

It is not easy but ultimately love, because it is from God, leads to good- for us and others. But sometimes you have to walk a hard journey to get there. But if it is real love, the kind God has for us, it will always be worth the sacrifice. This is true in parenting, friendship and marriage. Don’t let this world cheapen the beauty of power of love in any relationship by reducing it to how you feel. Love is the most powerful force in our world and it is what the Bible says “compels us” who are followers of Christ to die to ourselves and serve others. It is beauty and power to see love in action and it’s available to every person to receive from God and offer to others- and not just on February 14.

An Open Letter to Weary Women

Original Published Date: February 16, 2018

Dear Weary Soul,

Stop and breathe. This world doesn’t want you to know there is a place of rest and peace. It wants you to keep striving and beating your self up for every flaw and weakness. It wants you to cover up all your sin and mistakes and vulnerable places with success and pretty eyelashes and clean eating and bible studies completed. It wants you to never stop trying and working and pushing because you just know deep down- you aren’t enough. You don’t get it right and you’ll never measure up.

Take a big deep breath. Inhale all that oxygen and then let it out. Notice how good it feels to take it in and fill up and slow down. Because just like the air around you doesn’t ask you to be enough for it to offer itself to your needy lungs, God’s grace isn’t holding back from your needy soul until you impress Him. His creation offers so many metaphors for us to see who He is and who we are. But so often we flip the script and try to fill His role- provider, controller, perfector, sufficient- and then we wonder why we are so incredibly tired….

There is some really good news, sweet sisters. God is not waiting for you to do great things for Him. He wants you to keep remembering the great things He has done for you! His love is not based on how hard you work or how right you get it any more than the oxygen asks how well you have cared for your lungs before it fills them! His love and grace is always free flowing and present, if we just quit holding our breathe and let it in.

All the performing and striving and work has been accomplished for us- in Christ. The words of the beautiful hymn beg us to believe….

In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground- firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

What heights of love- what depths of peace! When fears are stilled, when strivings ceased. My comforter, my all in all- here in the love of Christ, I stand.

Takeheart! We are free to not measure up. We are free from constant working to be better. God not only promises to love us exactly where grace finds us, but He also promises to slowly reshape us as we focus on His love and grace seen in Christ. He won’t ever leave us, and He won’t leave us where we are. His grace not only meets us freely, it changes us entirely. The more we fill up on that truth, the more we are transformed to run and work and play and love and create and repent and be fully alive in a way that all our hard work never achieved.

So breathe grace in deep. Exhale gratitude and peace.                          

“Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30