Motherhood: Simplified

In so many ways, while technology has made life easier it sure has complicated everything. I think about what my life was like 25 years ago when I was a young mom raising little ones and I am sad for my younger mama friends today, even though we did have to make do without pouches and wubbies and scheduling doctor appointments on our phones (all of which would have been lovely). Still, I am convinced, it was much easier to live my life and run my home back then. Tik tok, Pinterest and Instagram have stolen the freedom to function in the ordinary and stay present, leading to what I have noticed seem to be wild swings between picture perfect scripted over the top cute moments and utterly chaotic and disorganized stressful moments; the energy expended creating the former leads to the disappointment in the latter. The rhythm of a normal life requires we experience fewer perfect “highs” which will help mitigate all the stress-filled “lows” I see so many women wrestling with.

So, if you are a mom in the trenches raising your children, will you allow me to “big sister” you and make a few suggestions? I recognize you are facing pressures that did not exist 25 years ago so I offer these with no judgement- only the hope that you could see a simpler path than the one our comparative and fear based culture is pushing.

•Put your phone away while driving, cooking, eating, bathing and playing with your children. Literally, put it in another room or your purse. The temptation to document every moment, then re-do it so the picture looks better is interrupting connection. Children need attunement. They need you to come out from behind the screen and be very present even while they are playing independently, working on homework or snuggling in your lap. You can only attune to one thing or person at a time- so if you are on your phone, you are disconnected. And children are more likely to act out if they are used to needing to get louder to gain your attunement- leading you to feel more overwhelmed and exhausted by dealing with loud, whiny kids all day! It’s a viscous cycle that can be easily interrupted by putting your phone away.

• Bookend your days. Create (very) basic morning and evening routines with your kids that are practiced and repeated every day. These “bookends” become simple anchor points in your home for connection and predictability- which lead to calm and order. A morning bookend might be: listen to music while we eat breakfast, double check back packs and lunch boxes, hugs before we head out the door. A night bookend could be: brush teeth, tidy up bedroom together and snuggle to read a story. The possibilities are varied based on how many children and their ages- but having a replicable routine every morning and evening is helpful. (Also, bookends for running your home work the same way!)

• Choose only one thing to be “extra” about. Do you go over the top for birthdays? Fine, but let that be your thing. Do you enjoy putting together lots of super coordinated festive outfits? Great, but that is it. Same for class mom, handmade gifts, bedroom decor. There are so many regular areas to suck up time and money and energy- pick the one thing you love and be extravagant about it, but lower the energy and output for the rest. I promise, your kids would rather have you: present, peaceful and loving most of the time with less cool effects than a stressed out, cranky mom who all the other moms were trying to live up to your results.

• Build authentic, vulnerable friendships and a connection to God. In order to consistently meet the needs of children you need to be filled back up. You need to be reassured of your worth and value. You need to have life poured into you on days you feel discouraged with tantrums and sickness and whining. You need to remember God has purpose for you in the mundane and nonpostable moments. And all those needs come from connection to God and friends. In order to make real connections you need to put away technology and be face to face for conversation, for shared meals and for hugs. And you need to be still and quiet to hear God’s voice through prayer and time in scripture. This is something you have to fight like crazy for because everything in our world works against both these processes. But if you prioritize it, it’s possible to make the space to grow both these relationships.

That’s it Mama’s. 4 steps to simplify Motherhood. May you be encouraged in your journey by knowing that God is with you and for you and I am cheering you on too!

The Key to Achieving Anything

We are at that place on the calendar where New Year’s resolutions go to die. Rubber, meet Road.

Whatever goals we began 2022 with, we have hit the make it or break it point. I am from a generation that liked to set New Year’s resolutions- perhaps you are not. Maybe you are a SMART goals person, or a “create sustainable rhythms” fan. (I am too after reading Atomic Habits by James Clear last year!) But whatever method you use, there comes a moment in all growth where progress either stops or you find a break through.

There is a sure fire way to sustain growth, make progress, achieve goals. It’s not fancy or flashy. In fact it’s so boring it seems impossible to be the secret ingredient to growth and change, but it is. You ready?

Just.Keep.Going.

That’s it. Whatever else has to happen to achieve your goals and dreams, it happens on the other side of you still being there, showing up and not quitting.

Wanting to develop a healthier lifestyle? Keep buying vegetables, counting steps, drinking water, going to the gym, taking vitamins- whatever you told yourself you needed to be healthier- keep doing it.

Wanting to improve your marriage? Keep going to counseling, having date night, forgiving, communicating, reading the book or devotional- keep aiming and trying for it.

Wanting to grow spiritually? Keep reading your bible, praying, seeking out mentors, confessing sin, going to small group, memorizing scripture, practicing stillness- keep sticking with it.

And here is the thing- don’t stop because you paused for a week. Don’t stop because it doesn’t seem to be working (yet). Don’t stop because your partner stopped. Don’t stop because you feel sick of it.

JUST KEEP GOING!

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

“And we know that suffering produces PERSEVERANCE, perseverance, character and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)

“The righteous man falls down seven times, but GETS BACK UP.” (Proverbs 24:12)

Seriously, Keep going.

Sometimes when you keep going it means showing up over and over until you finally feel connected to someone else or even yourself- an “ah-ha” moment. Sometimes it means trying again and again until you develop a strength or understanding only accessible through repetition. Sometimes you just get so sick of doing the dang thing without success that you get mad about it- and that gives you the energy to push harder or longer so you reach the goal. Sometimes you attract other people, inspired by seeing you keep going and now you have the support needed to complete the journey. The way perseverance works changes depending on the process you are not quitting on- but it works.

No matter how many times you have tried and failed at achieving a goal or dream or plan before- this truth about perseverance still applies. Decide you are going to start again and this time, just keep going.

I’m not nagging, i’m encouraging (but are you?)

“Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a nagging wife”, says Solomon in Proverbs 25:24.

It paints quite the picture of misery and desperation. I have not personally resided in anything smaller than an apartment. I stayed overnight in a tiny house once and that was fun but not someplace I would want to actually live. I cannot imagine how awful the relationship dynamic would have to be to desire living on the corner of a rooftop versus a whole house. Yet over and over the Bible tells us marriage conflict will ensue if a wife frequently nags her husband.

Nagging is a behavior that is, in general, parental in tone and function; picture a mom following a teenage boy around telling him to clean his room or study more. It implies the other person is not responsible enough, smart enough or mature enough to manage their own choices. It tends to disrespect the autonomy of the other as well- creating pressure for the person to comply with your wishes instead of making a request and allowing them to choose their response. Seen this way, it is obvious nagging would cause a husband to feel unhappy, angry and distant from a wife who consistently treated him this way.

But often the response from wives when confronted about nagging is:

I’m not nagging, I’m encouraging.

And to be sure, encouraging is a good way to love your husband. Yet just because you are smiling or saying positive things to your spouse does not mean you are truly encouraging them. Here are a few differences between “sweet nagging” and actual encouragement.

Encouragement is focused on building up your spouse in an area he has expressed he WANTS to pursue or grow in. If it’s an area only you want him to pursue, whatever positive things you say are still nagging. Things like: eating better, going out for a new job, exercising, calling his mother or spending time reading are all good things IF HE WANTS TO DO THEM. But if he does not, your encouragement will be experienced as nagging,

Encouragement is not demanding. When you encourage, you are pouring courage into another. You don’t need a specific response from them in return because it is motivated toward helping the person at a heart level, which may or may not lead to outward change quickly. It also does not dictate how the other person will use their newfound courage. Nagging, disguised as encouragement, often has a specific goal in mind- building the person up to get them to take a certain step or make a specific change. This is also called manipulation and is an intimacy killer.

Nagging does not know when to stop, encouragement can allow for silence. The worst part about nagging is it is not a one time conversation or request. It is constant. It builds dread into times alone for fear the issue at hand will be brought up- again. Any parent of a toddler knows being asked the same question over and over is exhausting. Because nagging is frequently driven by fear (fear of not being happy, fear of not having needs met, fear of what others think) it often becomes a compulsive behavior if not dealt with head on. It can be easy to allow fears to cause us to try to control others which is what this “sweet nagging” really is- a form of attempting to control.

A healthier response than nagging is sharing needs and making requests, knowing your husband has the choice to move toward you or not. Freedom must be part of marriage for there to be intimacy. In a loving marriage many times a spouse will be willing to honor a request or meet a need, but when they don’t or can’t, maturity says we must tolerate not getting our way and respect our spouse enough to let them make decisions without fear of “never hearing the end of it.” Only then can love grow and marriage thrive.

Resurrected

I grew up learning about the Easter story through flannel board Sunday school lessons and my parents reading it aloud from their bibles and church choruses of “Up from the grace he arose! With a mighty triumph o’re his foes…” These were regular, normal parts of my childhood forming a deep foundation of belief. So I knew it was true: Jesus had died, was buried and rose again, the same way I knew a quarter was worth 25 cents and running through a sprinkler in sticky, hot Florida summers was refreshing and I was always going to get eaten by the blue ghosts while playing Pacman on my Atari. It was a truth simultaneously obvious, good and a foregone conclusion. And I suppose that is a reasonable starting place for truth in a child’s heart. But I did not know it was THE truth that would forever alter the beat of my heart.

On the adult side of life, many of my other foregone conclusions fell apart pretty quickly. I assumed my marriage to my high school sweetheart, much like my parent’s marriage, would be permanent and wonderful. But six years and two babies later, I woke up divorced and broken. I just knew motherhood would come naturally and I would be the one mom who got all the important things right. 26 years later I can testify to the heartbreakingly difficult seasons I thought I might not recover from and the pride wrecking mistakes and failures I deeply wanted to avoid but made anyway. I believed surely once I had a successful career, all my insecurities and people pleasing tendencies would disappear only to find them still resurfacing in maddeningly ridiculous moments. Many of the beliefs I had about life have been proven false in the 40 years after childhood ended, but one.

Resurrection is possible. Resurrection is promised. Resurrection is reality.

Jesus really did walk out of the grave. He took power over the same sin and death that killed him on the cross and crushed the enemy of our souls by grabbing back the keys to our prison cells of sin and death when he paid the ransom with his life. He was crushed, so we would not have to be. He was abandoned so we would always have the Father. He let his light be darkened so we could live in the light forever. He took our place and then he secured our future. Jesus did not just defeat death and rise up from the grave for himself- to prove his love or power. He is not just a Savior who performs miraculous healing and grave robbing and hell shaking so we know he CAN. He did it to show us He WILL. What he did at the cross and the grave he will do again: for us and to us and through us.

Jesus said it is finished, but as Tony Evans says, “he did not say ‘I am finished’. He was just getting started.” Jesus brings resurrection to me. He brings my sinful dead heart back to life and resurrects my broken wounded heart to be whole and healed. He teaches the parts of me that cling to idols- success, image, money, pleasure, even marriage and motherhood- to die to my pursuit of these and resurrects a stronger hope in me. Hope that he loves me, is with me and is for me- always. That kind of hope allows me to let go of all other sin, distractions and even blessings that will ultimately let me down. Only Jesus could free me from my death grip on success, being loved and image/ego. His constant, perfect faithful love brings me from fearful of losing love to freely giving love away. From defeated in my sin to victorious. From disappointed in my failed dreams to joyful in my mission to serve others.

Freedom, victory, joy. I see them at the empty tomb. And I experience them today. Resurrection happened. And it is also happening in me.

O Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up for the dead!

Healthy Body Image: Acceptance isn’t always positivity

The trend in advertising and social media toward healthier body images for women is, by and large, a very good thing. Ads for Dove soap and many other companies are showing women with a variety of body shapes and sizes and celebrate beauty with a wider range of diversity-these are all good things. But in this new push toward healthy body image I have noticed a subtle shift toward body positivity, which is not the same.

While I am certain many, if not most, of the poor body images women have dealt with over the years originated in rigid standards for beauty and shape that were unrealistic for the average woman to achieve, I do not think the solution is the converse: like every part of your body and embrace yourself “as is” even if parts of you actually need attention and care to be healthier.

What is the difference between healthy body image and body positivity?

Body positivity says: I must like all parts of my body and see every aspect of it as beautiful and affirm all parts as good. To critique or aim to improve any aspect of my visible physical self is a rejection of my body as being good. For anyone else to imply there could be greater health or wellness through change to my body, is a negative stance toward my body.

Healthy body image says: I accept myself for who I am- flaws and weaknesses, strengths and beauty; I like who I am and I value the body God gave me as a part of me: I do not have to like every single thing about my body (size, shape, tone, structure, features, strength, abilities etc) to accept and appreciate it and I can work to improve specific areas that are uncomfortable or unhealthy while enjoying myself at the same time.

When my children were young, there were many traits I experienced as adorable, delightful and fun. Their sense of humor, curiosity, laughter, snuggles and inquisitive minds provided a consistent source of joy for me as their mother. At the same time, their whining, bickering and disobedience were a regular source of frustration and angst. So, as any loving parents does, I praised them for the good and worked to discipline and train them in areas they needed to improve. What I did not do was relabel those traits as good, pleasant or enjoyable because they weren’t. While common and understandable based on their ages and development, those traits still needed to improve, change and mature for my children to become the fully functioning adults they are now. (I am happy to let you know, bickering eventually ends!) Just because I was not always positive about my children does not mean I did not accept, value or love them. I was realistically accepting- which allowed my perspective to contain positive and negative views while still loving my children.

The biggest danger of body positivity as a blanket perspective is not giving yourself the freedom to be realistic about health and wellness. Sometimes we do need to lose weight, gain strength or increase our cardiovascular fitness to be the most functional healthy version of ourselves. Between you and your doctor these can be good conversations in caring for your body well as you age. Other times we need the permission to try a new hairstyle, wear make up differently than we used to or learn to style our clothing in a way that gives us a confidence boost- without feeling we are betraying ourself to admit we like how we look and feel better after those adjustments. And it’s also okay to have parts of our body we just don’t like very much (my extra wide feet and line across my neck, in my case) while still enjoying other parts and feeling confident overall.

Ultimately a healthy body image is not primarily about liking your appearance, though we should be able to acknowledge our unique beauty! It is appreciating your body for how God designed it, and enjoying what it allows you to do. When you see the beauty God gave you, care for yourself in ways that embrace growth and challenge and accept the less enjoyable parts it brings both peace and contentment. Then we can focus less on stretch marks or wrinkles or numbers on the scale and instead accept our body for where it is today, work to be a good steward of the aspects of health we can change and use our bodies to bless others around us and enjoy life.