Self Care Deconstructed: What it is and What it isn't

“But I don’t have time for self care….”

We were discussing some suggestions for a client wanting to work on her anxiety and she responded with frustration and what sounded like defeat to my comment that she needs to work on self care.

I don’t think her feelings are unique. I see women on social media talking about how they don’t have the time or resources to practice self care and they end up feeling shame and criticized for something they have no control over. I also see women posting photos at a spa or restauarant with the hastag #selfcare added to the pictures. All of which leads me to believe many have misunderstood self care for “treat yoself” and perhaps breaking it down into the basics would allow more women to begin to practice it. Maybe that’s you, or maybe you have friends, daughters, sisters or moms who could benefit from redefining this buzzword.

Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself” which clearly indicates he means for us to be loving to ourselves and others. In Galatians, Paul writes that each person is to “carry their own load” referring to the daily responsibilities of life- our time, money, choices, attitudes, work and relationships. It is our job to live in such a way that we mange these areas and essentially live in balance- not burnt out and over stressed, not over indulged and entitled. Self care, is actually the way we do this!

A simple definition is self care is taking care of your basic needs and once those are met, your secondary needs.

Think of it this way- If you were given a typical four year old child to care for, what would you make most important and what would you include secondarily if those first priorities were met? When you think about a young child you think about: feeding them with adequate nutrition, giving any necessary medications consistently, making sure they have enough sleep, clothing them, providing time to play and time to rest, lots of love and encouragement as well as boundaries to keep them developing intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Some boundaries would be limits on screen time and certain content that was too intense or inappropriate would be eliminated. Other boundaries might be related to basic chores, getting up or going to bed at certain times and attending certain functions like school or church and safety issues.

If there were time and resources left, secondary needs might be enrichment activities like sports and dance, fun things like treats, toys and trips and extra non necessary clothing and specialty food.

None of the secondary needs are bad at all. In fact most parents try to give their children many of those along with the primary needs. But, what if there were big gaps in the most important needs yet all the secondary needs were met? Would the child function well if they had inadequate sleep, insufficient food, no time limits on screens or were never with people who could show love? Would trips to the mall or Chik-Fil-A or art lessons compensate for the gaps? Of course not!

This is where the self care buzzword has become confusing. Often I see women who do not go to bed on time, forget to eat or take their prescribed medications, not spend regular time with loving relationships but spend hours mindlessly scrolling Instagram etc who keep trying to solve these primary needs by getting a pedicure or going on a date night or take a trip. It might make them feel better short term but they are not addressing the basic needs of caring for themselves so they stay imbalanced- prone to irritability, lashing out or melting down and sickness. Which sounds a lot like what happens to 4 year olds when their basic needs aren’t met doesn’t it? It turns out you don’t outgrow the need for care- it just transfers from a parent to you!

Anyone can begin to practice self care whether you have extra spending money and time or finances are very tight and time is limited. It is a matter of reassigning value to caring for your basic needs. Do a quick assessment: am I caring for myself in my most important needs: food, sleep, movement, time with loving connections, including God, rest and limits? If not pick one area and begin to prioritize it. What won’t work? Extra Amazon shopping, spa days and a new hair cut.
If self care has seemed elusive and not achievable, I hope you feel encouraged to get back to the basics! Treat yourself to the fun stuff occasionally but don’t expect that to make up for not meeting your basic needs. Remember you are valuable to God and he wants you to care for yourself so you have the energy and health to overflow love and service into the lives of others. But also, he wants you to care for yourself simply because you matter to him and he loves you.

Motherhood: Simplified

In so many ways, while technology has made life easier it sure has complicated everything. I think about what my life was like 25 years ago when I was a young mom raising little ones and I am sad for my younger mama friends today, even though we did have to make do without pouches and wubbies and scheduling doctor appointments on our phones (all of which would have been lovely). Still, I am convinced, it was much easier to live my life and run my home back then. Tik tok, Pinterest and Instagram have stolen the freedom to function in the ordinary and stay present, leading to what I have noticed seem to be wild swings between picture perfect scripted over the top cute moments and utterly chaotic and disorganized stressful moments; the energy expended creating the former leads to the disappointment in the latter. The rhythm of a normal life requires we experience fewer perfect “highs” which will help mitigate all the stress-filled “lows” I see so many women wrestling with.

So, if you are a mom in the trenches raising your children, will you allow me to “big sister” you and make a few suggestions? I recognize you are facing pressures that did not exist 25 years ago so I offer these with no judgement- only the hope that you could see a simpler path than the one our comparative and fear based culture is pushing.

•Put your phone away while driving, cooking, eating, bathing and playing with your children. Literally, put it in another room or your purse. The temptation to document every moment, then re-do it so the picture looks better is interrupting connection. Children need attunement. They need you to come out from behind the screen and be very present even while they are playing independently, working on homework or snuggling in your lap. You can only attune to one thing or person at a time- so if you are on your phone, you are disconnected. And children are more likely to act out if they are used to needing to get louder to gain your attunement- leading you to feel more overwhelmed and exhausted by dealing with loud, whiny kids all day! It’s a viscous cycle that can be easily interrupted by putting your phone away.

• Bookend your days. Create (very) basic morning and evening routines with your kids that are practiced and repeated every day. These “bookends” become simple anchor points in your home for connection and predictability- which lead to calm and order. A morning bookend might be: listen to music while we eat breakfast, double check back packs and lunch boxes, hugs before we head out the door. A night bookend could be: brush teeth, tidy up bedroom together and snuggle to read a story. The possibilities are varied based on how many children and their ages- but having a replicable routine every morning and evening is helpful. (Also, bookends for running your home work the same way!)

• Choose only one thing to be “extra” about. Do you go over the top for birthdays? Fine, but let that be your thing. Do you enjoy putting together lots of super coordinated festive outfits? Great, but that is it. Same for class mom, handmade gifts, bedroom decor. There are so many regular areas to suck up time and money and energy- pick the one thing you love and be extravagant about it, but lower the energy and output for the rest. I promise, your kids would rather have you: present, peaceful and loving most of the time with less cool effects than a stressed out, cranky mom who all the other moms were trying to live up to your results.

• Build authentic, vulnerable friendships and a connection to God. In order to consistently meet the needs of children you need to be filled back up. You need to be reassured of your worth and value. You need to have life poured into you on days you feel discouraged with tantrums and sickness and whining. You need to remember God has purpose for you in the mundane and nonpostable moments. And all those needs come from connection to God and friends. In order to make real connections you need to put away technology and be face to face for conversation, for shared meals and for hugs. And you need to be still and quiet to hear God’s voice through prayer and time in scripture. This is something you have to fight like crazy for because everything in our world works against both these processes. But if you prioritize it, it’s possible to make the space to grow both these relationships.

That’s it Mama’s. 4 steps to simplify Motherhood. May you be encouraged in your journey by knowing that God is with you and for you and I am cheering you on too!

The Key to Achieving Anything

We are at that place on the calendar where New Year’s resolutions go to die. Rubber, meet Road.

Whatever goals we began 2022 with, we have hit the make it or break it point. I am from a generation that liked to set New Year’s resolutions- perhaps you are not. Maybe you are a SMART goals person, or a “create sustainable rhythms” fan. (I am too after reading Atomic Habits by James Clear last year!) But whatever method you use, there comes a moment in all growth where progress either stops or you find a break through.

There is a sure fire way to sustain growth, make progress, achieve goals. It’s not fancy or flashy. In fact it’s so boring it seems impossible to be the secret ingredient to growth and change, but it is. You ready?

Just.Keep.Going.

That’s it. Whatever else has to happen to achieve your goals and dreams, it happens on the other side of you still being there, showing up and not quitting.

Wanting to develop a healthier lifestyle? Keep buying vegetables, counting steps, drinking water, going to the gym, taking vitamins- whatever you told yourself you needed to be healthier- keep doing it.

Wanting to improve your marriage? Keep going to counseling, having date night, forgiving, communicating, reading the book or devotional- keep aiming and trying for it.

Wanting to grow spiritually? Keep reading your bible, praying, seeking out mentors, confessing sin, going to small group, memorizing scripture, practicing stillness- keep sticking with it.

And here is the thing- don’t stop because you paused for a week. Don’t stop because it doesn’t seem to be working (yet). Don’t stop because your partner stopped. Don’t stop because you feel sick of it.

JUST KEEP GOING!

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus…” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

“And we know that suffering produces PERSEVERANCE, perseverance, character and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3-4)

“The righteous man falls down seven times, but GETS BACK UP.” (Proverbs 24:12)

Seriously, Keep going.

Sometimes when you keep going it means showing up over and over until you finally feel connected to someone else or even yourself- an “ah-ha” moment. Sometimes it means trying again and again until you develop a strength or understanding only accessible through repetition. Sometimes you just get so sick of doing the dang thing without success that you get mad about it- and that gives you the energy to push harder or longer so you reach the goal. Sometimes you attract other people, inspired by seeing you keep going and now you have the support needed to complete the journey. The way perseverance works changes depending on the process you are not quitting on- but it works.

No matter how many times you have tried and failed at achieving a goal or dream or plan before- this truth about perseverance still applies. Decide you are going to start again and this time, just keep going.

I’m not nagging, i’m encouraging (but are you?)

“Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a nagging wife”, says Solomon in Proverbs 25:24.

It paints quite the picture of misery and desperation. I have not personally resided in anything smaller than an apartment. I stayed overnight in a tiny house once and that was fun but not someplace I would want to actually live. I cannot imagine how awful the relationship dynamic would have to be to desire living on the corner of a rooftop versus a whole house. Yet over and over the Bible tells us marriage conflict will ensue if a wife frequently nags her husband.

Nagging is a behavior that is, in general, parental in tone and function; picture a mom following a teenage boy around telling him to clean his room or study more. It implies the other person is not responsible enough, smart enough or mature enough to manage their own choices. It tends to disrespect the autonomy of the other as well- creating pressure for the person to comply with your wishes instead of making a request and allowing them to choose their response. Seen this way, it is obvious nagging would cause a husband to feel unhappy, angry and distant from a wife who consistently treated him this way.

But often the response from wives when confronted about nagging is:

I’m not nagging, I’m encouraging.

And to be sure, encouraging is a good way to love your husband. Yet just because you are smiling or saying positive things to your spouse does not mean you are truly encouraging them. Here are a few differences between “sweet nagging” and actual encouragement.

Encouragement is focused on building up your spouse in an area he has expressed he WANTS to pursue or grow in. If it’s an area only you want him to pursue, whatever positive things you say are still nagging. Things like: eating better, going out for a new job, exercising, calling his mother or spending time reading are all good things IF HE WANTS TO DO THEM. But if he does not, your encouragement will be experienced as nagging,

Encouragement is not demanding. When you encourage, you are pouring courage into another. You don’t need a specific response from them in return because it is motivated toward helping the person at a heart level, which may or may not lead to outward change quickly. It also does not dictate how the other person will use their newfound courage. Nagging, disguised as encouragement, often has a specific goal in mind- building the person up to get them to take a certain step or make a specific change. This is also called manipulation and is an intimacy killer.

Nagging does not know when to stop, encouragement can allow for silence. The worst part about nagging is it is not a one time conversation or request. It is constant. It builds dread into times alone for fear the issue at hand will be brought up- again. Any parent of a toddler knows being asked the same question over and over is exhausting. Because nagging is frequently driven by fear (fear of not being happy, fear of not having needs met, fear of what others think) it often becomes a compulsive behavior if not dealt with head on. It can be easy to allow fears to cause us to try to control others which is what this “sweet nagging” really is- a form of attempting to control.

A healthier response than nagging is sharing needs and making requests, knowing your husband has the choice to move toward you or not. Freedom must be part of marriage for there to be intimacy. In a loving marriage many times a spouse will be willing to honor a request or meet a need, but when they don’t or can’t, maturity says we must tolerate not getting our way and respect our spouse enough to let them make decisions without fear of “never hearing the end of it.” Only then can love grow and marriage thrive.

Resurrected

I grew up learning about the Easter story through flannel board Sunday school lessons and my parents reading it aloud from their bibles and church choruses of “Up from the grace he arose! With a mighty triumph o’re his foes…” These were regular, normal parts of my childhood forming a deep foundation of belief. So I knew it was true: Jesus had died, was buried and rose again, the same way I knew a quarter was worth 25 cents and running through a sprinkler in sticky, hot Florida summers was refreshing and I was always going to get eaten by the blue ghosts while playing Pacman on my Atari. It was a truth simultaneously obvious, good and a foregone conclusion. And I suppose that is a reasonable starting place for truth in a child’s heart. But I did not know it was THE truth that would forever alter the beat of my heart.

On the adult side of life, many of my other foregone conclusions fell apart pretty quickly. I assumed my marriage to my high school sweetheart, much like my parent’s marriage, would be permanent and wonderful. But six years and two babies later, I woke up divorced and broken. I just knew motherhood would come naturally and I would be the one mom who got all the important things right. 26 years later I can testify to the heartbreakingly difficult seasons I thought I might not recover from and the pride wrecking mistakes and failures I deeply wanted to avoid but made anyway. I believed surely once I had a successful career, all my insecurities and people pleasing tendencies would disappear only to find them still resurfacing in maddeningly ridiculous moments. Many of the beliefs I had about life have been proven false in the 40 years after childhood ended, but one.

Resurrection is possible. Resurrection is promised. Resurrection is reality.

Jesus really did walk out of the grave. He took power over the same sin and death that killed him on the cross and crushed the enemy of our souls by grabbing back the keys to our prison cells of sin and death when he paid the ransom with his life. He was crushed, so we would not have to be. He was abandoned so we would always have the Father. He let his light be darkened so we could live in the light forever. He took our place and then he secured our future. Jesus did not just defeat death and rise up from the grave for himself- to prove his love or power. He is not just a Savior who performs miraculous healing and grave robbing and hell shaking so we know he CAN. He did it to show us He WILL. What he did at the cross and the grave he will do again: for us and to us and through us.

Jesus said it is finished, but as Tony Evans says, “he did not say ‘I am finished’. He was just getting started.” Jesus brings resurrection to me. He brings my sinful dead heart back to life and resurrects my broken wounded heart to be whole and healed. He teaches the parts of me that cling to idols- success, image, money, pleasure, even marriage and motherhood- to die to my pursuit of these and resurrects a stronger hope in me. Hope that he loves me, is with me and is for me- always. That kind of hope allows me to let go of all other sin, distractions and even blessings that will ultimately let me down. Only Jesus could free me from my death grip on success, being loved and image/ego. His constant, perfect faithful love brings me from fearful of losing love to freely giving love away. From defeated in my sin to victorious. From disappointed in my failed dreams to joyful in my mission to serve others.

Freedom, victory, joy. I see them at the empty tomb. And I experience them today. Resurrection happened. And it is also happening in me.

O Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up for the dead!