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Bonfires are better than Fireworks, because Marriage is a long haul

“Marriage should be a consistently close, happy and exciting relationship where being ‘in love’ with your spouse, being desired by your spouse and feeling generally happy are benchmarks for staying married and secure.”

If one prevalent message in our culture has been more damaging to marriage, I don’t know what it is. While no one states these words, almost every movie, show, book and song are preaching them.

In working with couples trying to learn how to love one another and build strong marriages, often the starting point is repairing broken beliefs about marriage and the ensuing damage they create. Hollywood, fairy tales and social media have all contributed to this messaging for sure. Family of origin and the marriages a person observed growing up also shape this internal thought. But I also find, even within myself, the desire for marriage to be something it wasn’t designed for comes from within more than outside influence.

I grew up in Orlando, Florida which is a rare thing- to be an actual native and not a transplant. As such, I was much less wow’d by Disney World than all the thousands of tourists that traveled to our area every year. But one thing I can affirm- Disney beats everyone with their end of the day fireworks display. (Oh, and Dole Whips! but I digress) Their fireworks are truly spectacular in size and variety and color, timed perfectly to music, lasting long enough to impressed but not so long you get tired of them- they really do create that magical Disney moment.

And then they are over.

Fireworks are amazing, but they burn out quickly. They draw you in and create a magic, albeit fleeting, memory. Similarly, the “in love” euphoria is an intoxicating experience, but not one that is sustainable at that same level of intensity. Marriage is by design a marathon- a long term relationship, meant to span a lifetime. God set it up to work that way. And within that design there IS room for fireworks: moments of sweeping romantic gestures, great sexual experiences and deeply connected moments. But they will not represent the bulk of marriage nor can they be the goal.

The day to day life in a marriage is much more like a bonfire than a firework. A lot less impressive at first glance, but sustainable through regular efforts. The warmth and protection and provision of a bonfire is good, really good in fact. It allows you to draw close, to take the chill off a cold night, to cook a hot dog or marshmallow and to quietly connect at the end of a day. And all that is required is some regular adding of wood and poking the logs occasionally where the fire starts to die out. Marriage is meant to be a relationship full of security, warmth and provision- which it requires some regular tending to keep the fire going. And that requires acceptance of a trade off- magical highs that quickly fade, for faithful commited love that lasts.

We are born with longing and need for connection, significance and security. While living in a broken world, we feel a lack of all of these at times- a parent that does not know how to connect emotionally, a friend that competes with us to feel better about themselves, a teacher that shames us for our lack of knowledge or ability, a crush that rejects us. And on and on. As we live through these painful moments the longing to repair these wounds grows and we often begin to seek out the solution horizontally- that is, in other people around us. But, as seen in scripture, the real solution is to first connect vertically- to God.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another…. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:9-11, 18-19)

Through Christ all the deepest needs and longings we experience can be satisified at a soul level, which frees up marriage to be a compliment and companion on our journey, instead of the solution to our brokenness. Our spouse can be freed of the pressure to fix and heal us and instead be a source of reflecting God’s love and care as they imperfectly love over the long haul.

Placing an expectation on your marriage, and therefore spouse, to make you feel significant, secure and constantly desired is the equivalent of pouring water on your bonfire. An reasonably healthy person will fizzle out under that kind of pressure. While those positive experiences can and should, at times, be found within a loving marriage, they will not be permanent. However, if each person in a marriage has a strong vertical connection to God, they will continue to know they are significant, secure and pursued by the love of their heavenly Father. Then instead of looking for fireworks elsewhere, they can do the work of tending to their own marriage- serving and loving even in the absence of magical euphoria, forgive and repair in arguments without fear of being abandoned, be vulnerable enough to admit when they are wrong and apologize. All these actions continue to keep the fire steadily burning for a lifetime and offer the stability and security fireworks cannot. A healthy marriage trades the pursuit of momentary magic for the beauty and warmth of steady and faithful love.

37 Things I Have Learned About Following Jesus

Yesterday was a birthday of sorts- my spiritual birth day.

Jan 20, 1985 I was 12 years old and in my sparkly white sweater, I nervously and excitedly walked forward at church to state my faith in Christ and be baptized. It was the beginning of a very long journey that I imagine myself to be in the middle of, 37 years later. By God’s grace, I received some amazing advantages in my spiritual journey including strong Christian parents and a church that encouraged us to be connected to one another and read our bibles. As I have continued in life there have been countless people, circumstances and experiences creating learning and hopefully deeper wisdom, in how to follow Jesus.

As I reflected yesterday on all those lessons, I felt an urge to write them down. Maybe one day my children will read this and find it helpful and meaningful. Maybe I will need to look back and be reminded of these lessons again myself. And perhaps, these words will be encouraging or helpful for you too. So, in no particular order (except the first and last) here are 37 lessons I have learned about following Jesus.

God’s love, as seen in Christ, is the most important part- understanding it, receiving it and sharing it.
Sin is sneaky. A lot of it cannot be seen by others because it exists in my thoughts and attitudes. If not uprooted, it will eventually spill into my actions. But it starts internally.
Sin is most easily exposed by two things: scripture and deep relationships.
Scripture (the bible) is understood slowly over time as it is taken in regularly, in small doses.
The scriptures and truths contained in them do not change. But they convict and encourage differently in seasons as the Holy Spirit applies them in specific ways. This is one reason to keep reading the bible over and over.
I can have meaningful worship even when the music is not my preferred style/genre. Worship is not actually about my preferences- it is about seeing and honoring God for who He is.
We cannot successfully walk out our faith without godly community. Period.
Reading the entire bible in year gives a different perspective that is really good. Do it once in your life. But, it is not necessary to set that goal every year- just keep reading.
When you wake in the middle of the night- pray. If someone comes to mind “out of nowhere” assume this is the Holy Spirit prompting you to pray and act accordingly.
The Serenity Prayer and The Lord’s Prayer are excellent prayers when I do not know what to pray.
Connection TO God is much much more important than working FOR God.
My primary identity is child of God. All other roles mentioned in scripture (like soldier or worker) are less. I am a daughter and He is my Dad.
I will not be able to explain every kind of suffering others go through. Or suffering I go through. This does not change what is true about God’s love or character or goodness- it is a reflection of my limits as a human and child (compared to God) and does not have to make my doubt my faith. My own children could not have explained why I made them get shots or told them “no” to countless things when they were children- yet they still trusted my love and care, even while hurting or angry.
When people around us are suffering they need two things the most: kind, calm presence and practical service. They really don’t need most of our words in those moments.
All Christians have the same purpose- to love God and share his love, as seen in the gospel. We have different opportunities for and expressions of this common purpose. Some Christians refer to this as a “calling” but this often gets confused with purpose. Our purpose is the same. The way we live out that purpose is unique.
Living a life of quiet integrity, where our behavior lines up with what we say we believe, is more powerful than it seems.
Prayer is a response to God. It is also listening to God. Leave some space for for listening in your prayer life.
Most of spiritual growth is only evident when I look back- not as it is happening.
Pastors (ministers, elders, clergy) are people. They are not meant to be worshipped or idolized. This is damaging to them and us.
A pastor who prioritizes his family above the church work and is willing to listen to honest feedback from safe people in his own life is wise. Respect boundaries for your pastors and treat them with respect in the way you give feedback, knowing we are all humans with weakness who need grace and kindness.
Churches are full of broken people- I am one of them, This does not necessarily mean they are full of hypocrites. We all have blind spots where we cannot see ourselves accurately. This is one of the reasons we need to be in community in our churches- so others can lovingly point them out.
Comparing either your blessings or your burdens to others will breed discontent, envy, self loathing and many other negative beliefs and thought patterns. Get off social media if it feeds this in you. Either way, stop comparing and run YOUR race.
Church life is so much better when all the busy tasks are flowing out of being loved and connected to others. If you have to pick- lean toward things that build connection over accomplishment.
It is not my job to be strong and self sufficient. It is my job to be unashamedly dependent on God and interdependent on people. When these are reversed it leads to codependency, fear and other dysfunctions.
There are trends in Christian culture just like everywhere else. They are not necessarily good or bad- they could be either. Don’t worry about keeping up with trends. If you find something you love that is helpful- an app, a bible study, a phrase, a speaker- follow along, but it will be “out” eventually. You are not behind if you never jump on a trend.
Our faith grows in hard moments- often where we are most aware how little faith we have.
God’s grace never runs out. Even if you battle one sin your whole life. He truly has enough grace for ALL our sin.
God is not an American. He loves all the people of the earth. We are called to love much bigger than our tribe.
There are many passages in the bible that feel confusing. Do not be afraid to acknowledge this. Some of this is due to cultural or historical context we do not understand and some is because the bible is one big story made up of different types of literature (like poetry, narrative and law) There are many great resources to access and dig deeper into confusing passages that will strengthen your faith and understanding.
Forgiveness is a command for OUR good. It is not for the person who harmed us. It sets us free from the weight of carrying the pain of the harm. We can (and should) forgive people who are already gone from our life. It is not about “letting them off the hook”- they are not on a hook from our unforgiveness- we are.
Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation.
Boundaries do not limit love- they protect love. They limit harm. This is wise and God wants us to limit harmful behavior.
There are no “shoulds” unless Jesus says it. Everything else is a “could”.
Church traditions like Lent, Advent, the Lord’s Supper and reciting creeds can have deep meaning and beauty. But these are not a way to fit in or earn God’s approval- that will drain them of meaning quickly and often lead to “checking the box” legalism. They are meaningful as they connect us to God’s love and the larger global Christian community. It is okay to not participate in some of these if they begin to feel like obligations instead of overflow.
To be quiet and purposely bring awareness of my connection to God’s love and presence is hard in our noisy world. Building rhythm's that help me have regular quiet spaces helps. This may be small spaces when children are young- but even 5 minutes of quietly connecting to God daily is so helpful.
The gospel is this: the good news that Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life in my place, died the death that I deserve for my sin and rose back to life after defeating death to give me eternal life as well. This is the good news that saves me. It is also the good news that keeps changing me to become more like Christ. It is the foundation for our faith as Christians.
Jesus is better. He is better than marriage. He is better than motherhood. He is better than sex or money or power or approval or vacations or promotions. Jesus is enough. He is enough for every struggle and hardship. He is enough for every insecurity and anxiety. He is enough for every dream and desire and need. Jesus is better and He is enough for me. And you too.

Bookends: Bringing Chaos Into Order for Moms

If there was ever a season where trying to avoid chaos while also relaxing collide more than summer, I don’t know what it would be. The attempts to let the kids sleep in but not waste the day away (looking at you Mom’s of teens), have free time but take advantage of all the VBS/Summer Camps, take vacations but make memories at home, enjoy more time with your kids but figure out how to get space so you don’t lose your mind… Well, it can feel like an impossible or overwhelming couple of months.

Enter Bookends. Bookends are a way of starting and ending your day that create enough structure so life feels orderly, but not so much that you can’t enjoy the Summertime Vibes. Morning and evening bookends are mini routines- 3-5 basic tasks or processes you complete that help start and end the day in a positive way. The advantage of bookends is the way they create predictable habits allowing you to use less brain power when you are tired, give a sense of control over the day and help your values and goals be addressed regularly.

How do you set up these Bookends in your world? First start with a quick analysis of your mornings and evenings: what things need to happen for the day to flow well?

Do you need to start the day with an empty dishwasher because you have a bunch pf people in your house all day creating a lot of dishes?

Does laundry need to be folded on a daily basis?

When are you most likely to read your bible and pray?

Do you have a lot of daily appointments that need to be checked the night before?

Is meal prep something that allows your afternoon to be more peaceful?

Do you have physical pain that is helped by stretching or a hot shower?

These are examples of questions to analyze in deciding components of your daily bookend, and whether it is more helpful in the morning or evening.

A sample daily bookend could be:

AM: make coffee and read 10 minutes in bible; empty dishwasher, 5 minutes stretching and start one load of laundry.

PM: check calendar for the next day, fold one load of laundry, gratitude journal, run dishwasher, prep lunches.

The idea is whatever you include needs to be simple, fast tasks that help your days run more smoothly. The entire process should be 3-5 tasks and accomplish-able in 20 minutes or less and would ideally be done (or almost done) before the kids get up. Very young children are often up very early so bookends can be adjusted to allow for what works while caring for them. The concept of bookends can be applied also to the way you start and end the day for your children, and also can also be helpful for Empty Nester’s (like me!) who work full time and still benefit from the routine of habits and patterns.

Taking chaos and bringing it into order is a God ordained task. Motherhood is often a daily grind of trying to wrestle all the chaos of laundry, children, messes and food into some semblance of order. Bookends are one way to approach this goal that feel manageable and achievable. Some systems I tried over the years were overwhelming to maintain and others were too expensive or tedious. For all the Mama’s facing summer and feeling stressed- I pray this encourages you and gives some relief to the chaos so you can find joy in the next few months.

Lean In: how God uses Pain to Draw us to him

I have always been averse to pain- quick to get out of the way from any activity I thought would lead to it. I was not much of a risk taker or thrill seeker as a result, and truly my motivation in being an obedient child was often avoiding a painful consequence such as a spanking or even a scolding. I avoided sports too- mostly because I, tragically, have no natural hand-eye coordination but also because I knew there was a good chance I would experience pain if I participated. Dodge ball was, as you can imagine, a childhood nightmare. It did not help that I was always the smallest person in the room- making the world loom large and scary while growing up. Give me some cute and fluffy stuffed Care Bears and a cozy room to play in and I was content- happily absorbed with my imagination and friends.

I don’t think I’m an anomaly in this urge to avoid pain, though perhaps was more fearful of it as a child than most. Still culture primes us all to seek comfort and pleasure while rejecting painful experiences as something unnecessary at best and as inherently harmful at worst. And of course, I am not referring to traumatic and destructive pain- that kind should be avoided if at all possible. I am talking about the kind of pain that comes from getting into the mess of life- the bruised knees from falling while learning to walk, the bruised ego from auditioning for a solo you don’t get, the bruised heart from loving people who sometimes don’t love you back. The hurts that come with growth, risks and adventure, as well as serving and loving others.

And along came motherhood. It created a true dilemma for this pain-avoidant soul. I remember nearing the end of my first pregnancy and a feeling of panic begin to quietly rise within me about the actual birth experience- how on earth would I survive something so clearly and horrifyingly painful?? After 36 hours of labor and an unplanned c-section, turns out, I would survive it just like everything else I have encountered in life since- by leaning into God’s presence and promises.

When we see Jesus in the garden before he faces his crucifixion- we watch him wrestle with fear of the pain he knew was coming. Physical pain from crucifixion was terrible. But he also understood pain from abandonment and rejection and humiliation was about to be heaped on top of the physical- and who would not want to let that specific cup pass by? Yet, he drew near to God’s presence to strengthen Him and he trusted God’s promises to sustain him. How can we lean into painful circumstances and say “Your will, not my will God”? When we lean toward God- first and often and hard.

It’s been 26 years since that first trepidation into pain, and I am still in awe of how God uses it to reshape and strengthen and grow me. So often when I feel the heartbreak of broken relationships, cancer, suffering and sin my urge is to run away. Find a place within myself to numb it or avoid it. Find a distraction to help me forget it. Find some pleasure to mask it. But over and over, as those attempts fail, God has taught me to lean into Him. He is with me in every single hard moment- comforting, equipping and providing. His word and his Spirit give me what I need as I cry out in lament. His promises give me hope. The number of times a promise from scripture has come to me when I felt I could not bear one more second of the pain I was feeling are more than I can recount. As I lean into Him, I am able to lean in to the painful moments and I come out stronger. Less afraid. Less overwhelmed.

Pain is a hard part of life. It is mostly the result of living in a broken world. And yet spending all our energy avoiding it and running from it does not produce change in us. It does not bring light and life. God has given us “everything we need for life and godliness” (2 Peter 1:3) including His presence and promises to face our pain. Lean in to Him. He is enough to get you through whatever moment you are facing, and it will bring you out changed in a way that gives life and beauty to the world.

Self Care Deconstructed: What it is and What it isn't

“But I don’t have time for self care….”

We were discussing some suggestions for a client wanting to work on her anxiety and she responded with frustration and what sounded like defeat to my comment that she needs to work on self care.

I don’t think her feelings are unique. I see women on social media talking about how they don’t have the time or resources to practice self care and they end up feeling shame and criticized for something they have no control over. I also see women posting photos at a spa or restauarant with the hastag #selfcare added to the pictures. All of which leads me to believe many have misunderstood self care for “treat yoself” and perhaps breaking it down into the basics would allow more women to begin to practice it. Maybe that’s you, or maybe you have friends, daughters, sisters or moms who could benefit from redefining this buzzword.

Jesus says in the gospel of Matthew that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself” which clearly indicates he means for us to be loving to ourselves and others. In Galatians, Paul writes that each person is to “carry their own load” referring to the daily responsibilities of life- our time, money, choices, attitudes, work and relationships. It is our job to live in such a way that we mange these areas and essentially live in balance- not burnt out and over stressed, not over indulged and entitled. Self care, is actually the way we do this!

A simple definition is self care is taking care of your basic needs and once those are met, your secondary needs.

Think of it this way- If you were given a typical four year old child to care for, what would you make most important and what would you include secondarily if those first priorities were met? When you think about a young child you think about: feeding them with adequate nutrition, giving any necessary medications consistently, making sure they have enough sleep, clothing them, providing time to play and time to rest, lots of love and encouragement as well as boundaries to keep them developing intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Some boundaries would be limits on screen time and certain content that was too intense or inappropriate would be eliminated. Other boundaries might be related to basic chores, getting up or going to bed at certain times and attending certain functions like school or church and safety issues.

If there were time and resources left, secondary needs might be enrichment activities like sports and dance, fun things like treats, toys and trips and extra non necessary clothing and specialty food.

None of the secondary needs are bad at all. In fact most parents try to give their children many of those along with the primary needs. But, what if there were big gaps in the most important needs yet all the secondary needs were met? Would the child function well if they had inadequate sleep, insufficient food, no time limits on screens or were never with people who could show love? Would trips to the mall or Chik-Fil-A or art lessons compensate for the gaps? Of course not!

This is where the self care buzzword has become confusing. Often I see women who do not go to bed on time, forget to eat or take their prescribed medications, not spend regular time with loving relationships but spend hours mindlessly scrolling Instagram etc who keep trying to solve these primary needs by getting a pedicure or going on a date night or take a trip. It might make them feel better short term but they are not addressing the basic needs of caring for themselves so they stay imbalanced- prone to irritability, lashing out or melting down and sickness. Which sounds a lot like what happens to 4 year olds when their basic needs aren’t met doesn’t it? It turns out you don’t outgrow the need for care- it just transfers from a parent to you!

Anyone can begin to practice self care whether you have extra spending money and time or finances are very tight and time is limited. It is a matter of reassigning value to caring for your basic needs. Do a quick assessment: am I caring for myself in my most important needs: food, sleep, movement, time with loving connections, including God, rest and limits? If not pick one area and begin to prioritize it. What won’t work? Extra Amazon shopping, spa days and a new hair cut.
If self care has seemed elusive and not achievable, I hope you feel encouraged to get back to the basics! Treat yourself to the fun stuff occasionally but don’t expect that to make up for not meeting your basic needs. Remember you are valuable to God and he wants you to care for yourself so you have the energy and health to overflow love and service into the lives of others. But also, he wants you to care for yourself simply because you matter to him and he loves you.